Public Affair

Does it hurt so much to lost someone? I never prepare anything, this just come like nightmare. It’s feel like someone just reap out my chest and take my heart away. I can’t breath and I can’t stop crying. I’m grieving in the way that i could. I couldn’t imagine what life would be without him, I haven’t make him proud yet n the worst i haven’t even have a chance to say goodbye. I’m so angry but to who, God???? This is the cycle of life but still it hurt so bad. I’m going to miss him so very much and I love him will and always.

I’m not going tos ay goodbye…till we meet again.

Today is mother’s day and work has been hectic for the pas few days and I started working at 3.30 am this morning. The order has been crazy, people come n buy cake like no other day. For the first time we really worked as a team. No this table n that table, people help each other. I’m so happy to witness this changes in patissier. This people has been my family for the past 2 years n like family sometime we fight, argue, disagree n dislike each other but most of the time we are there for each other. This the people that I’m going to leave, it’s a heart pain. At this moment, writing this blog I am crying coz it’s really hard to leave everything behind but life must go on. The hardest thing of them all is to leave the person that I has so much respect n admire n love. For not able to go out with him again n having dinner together is hurting me. Maybe it’s for the best for now coz we have different commitment, him with his job n I’m with my family. Hopefully he’s going back soon too.

What life offering for me after this? I don’t know yet but I believe that God has a better n bigger plan for me. I don’t know what things going to happen but I have faith. I’ll miss all of you patissier people. Thanks for being great friends.

Life is not easy, there are challenges that we must faces everyday and disappoinment is one of them. I’ve been having a major blow in my life recently n somehow it make me depressed, it make me angry n sad. I’m not happy anymore with my current live. For the first time in my life I want to go home (back in Indo). Leaving Melbourne was hard, I cried everyday for a month until the day that I went back to Indo but now I’m counting the days to get out of Spore. I miss being with the familiar faces. For the first time I want to cry at work n I want to yell at someone. Kando said that I just go back n not thinking about all the responsibility but I can’t. I still have things to do in Spore, I have responsibility toward my job n my apartment contract. I can just run away n be coward but it’s not me. I hate to give trouble to others so I will figure it out. I really really mad at my self more than anyone because I care so much about other but I don’t get the same response. People tend to blame me also. Sometime I just want to break free from everything.
This monday Encim coming to visit n then i go back to Indo for cousin wedding. Hopefully i will have a great week. I miss my people n Kando has been a great advicer (surprisingly). Maybe this is a real world but I just don’t know it yet. I’ve been to pamper all my life n expect that all the people that I meet will be like my Melbourne friends but they are not. It’s hard to accept it but now I’m willing to let go, I want to focus on me.
Jakarta even thought I can’t stand the traffic it will be my second home in the future. Hopefully I will find my happiness there n seeing familiar faces n hang out with my cousins. Life is really great at home. Just need to brave my self for 3 more months then bye bye Spore, I’m ready to work at my own country. There will be disppoinment to come but at least I know I have the right supporter to cheer me up. Don’t run away from your life just face it.

I really really want to scream at someone or even better if I can punch someone. So many problems lately, just because one irresponsible person make my life like hell. I don’t know until when I can take it any more. I become a very unhappy person. I can see that I changed a lot and I hate my self for being grouchy n always in bad mood. I almost cry at church because I really hate my self being like this. I feel like running away and not taking any responsibility but I’m not that kind of person. My parent taught me to be a responsible person and I won’t start to become not to.

My mom also not helping, after I can’t take it anymore then I told her but she nag me and make me even depressed. I know that I didn’t follow her advice back then but who hope all of this will happened. I really want to go back, I don’t like this country at all except for the shopping. I don’t have friends who put friendship as the top priority. It make me sad really sad. I miss my Melbourne friends, some of them have attitude problems n no manner but they taught me what a friendship really mean. I feel so lost in here.

Still, there are few people who keep me sane in Spore. Ah Fat ( we always have something to talk about, something to laugh n something to eat hehe), B’trix gave good advice n Frances who gave me opportunity to explore more about my skill. Promise will give u one bloody excellent dessert n him. He’s the reason that I still stay here, but I wonder is he enough to make my unhapiness to go away. I don’t want to become a burden to him especially he has very long day everyday at work.

D’oh d’oh d’oh, I feel like crap

Another good movie that I watched this week. Maybe I should change my job become movie critics hehe, anyway this movie as not as wow as I expected maybe because I’ve been waiting for almost 8 months. I still love it and enjoy it. The thing is I learned something, there are lots of way for woman to find love. Some of them must through lots of bad dates, kissed many frogs before meet ”The One”. The process itself is hurting n pain but not everyone lucky enough to find love so quickly. Whatever happened in the process make woman become better (supposedly). This movie also can relate to many women outhere but the lesson itself is never give up on love. There will be the right person at the right time.

P.s I don’t mind the fried egg n steam rice as long as u cook for me n looking forward to it. Dessert on me

I’ve changed after I got back from holiday. I realised how much I missed my home and being with my family for two weeks was not enough. I need more time with them and I decided to take a new job at home. I never been this sure about anything in my life but now I even put the date in my planner when I’m going back for good. After June I will have different life. Maybe not the life that I planned before but I hope this is the right decision. I really can’t wait for it actually. I don’t know why I’m so excited.

Plan to open my own shop will be postpone until when I’m still not sure. I decided to work with my brothers n also helping my father. I know it’s boring job n not kind that I really want to do but hey in life u can’t always get what u want. This is my decision anyway coz if I open my shop this year I won’t be able to travel in near future. I have a lot of responsibility to it so for now it’s better to save money, travel n see the world then when I’m ready I’m going to open my own dream. My chef is upset about my decision coz she said maybe when I’m at home then get married the dream will be over. Some people just don’t know me. This dream is there before I learned about pastry in profesional way and I really wish I can make it come true. Maybe even better if I wait for Pie-Pie coz this our dream together with Emak also.

One thing that make me change also is plan to go holiday the end of the year. I’m going Japan (cross finger) probably for two weeks with Emak, Vero n maybe Anita. Vero n me has been talk about it non stop. We are so exciting n we save money from now on. I have to pause on shopping, any kind of shopping especially bag hunting. It’s sad but u can’t just have everything at the same time. Hopefully my dad will buy me one this year for my b’day then I don’t have to save for the MUSE bag from YSL or MIU MIU. Why so many great bags out there…haiz. Back to original plan which is holiday. Pie-Pie had a great time during her last trip to Japan n her story really encourage me to go there again. Next year hopefully I can go to Paris to visit Naomi or visit my aunt in Vatican. That trip will be with my mom coz she really want to go there.

All just plans, my plans but if in the way there something come up I’m sure it’s also for the best. For now I’m happy planning my life.

New year but definetely not a new me, maybe a better me if I really stick to change all my bad habits which is impossible. Anyway it’s definetely a grown up me this year. I have been thinking a lot lately, about life, love, friends, job and marriage. See almost all my friends getting married make me thinking also, do I want the same thing or I still looking for my own happiness in my carrier? I don’t know 100% what I want now but if I’m getting married I know where I want to celebrate it n what dress n shoes I want to wear that day, the groom it self still in the matter of question hehe.

I found happines anyway through all my friends and colleagues, job has been a priority lately and since opening my own business also the biggest priority my time will be well spend on the kitchen, thinking, creating new things. The things that bothering me actually is one person that name I will never mention. I grew respect toward him and respect into love. I try so hard to understand his work schedule, his passion at what he do (he’s good at what he do), his humbleness and his hobby (we shared 1 thing in common, 1 thing that really make us bonding). I love having dinner with him and just talk about everything n mostly food. With him I challenge my self to eat things that I don’t even want to try before n I never let men choose for me what I should eat but with him, I just go with the flow. I trust his decision 100% and suprisingly I like what he choosed for me. Since we both very busy it’s a bit hard to meet and I miss spending time with him. Comparing our opinion about something. I just feel so relax near him, that’s the most important thing.

I hope everything goes smoothly even if not, I’m glad to has friend like him. We will always be together no matter what, food will always bring us together n also make us fat together :). Time will tell what going to happen. It’s a bit hard to find a good man that earn my respect so he’s definetely a keeper. Miss him.

X’mas is coming soon, just 2 days away. I’m so exciting, this is the only time that I have an excuse to go shopping without feeling guilty at all. I love giving gifts to my friends. I don’t mind if I don’t get anything in return. I don’t know why I am really into gifts and I put my thought and time in that activities.

Well X’mas itself for me it’s not about gifts or party, it’s more about blessing. I’ve been bless this year. I met a lot of new people, most of them become my good friends and I cherish them so much. Ah Fat, u are the reason why working is like going home. I’ll be missing u if u leave n I’ll cry my self out (together we cry, The Script on the background). Ah Lian n Naomi who also make working enjoyable even thought there always disagreement here n there.  My life has been turn into different direction, I learned things that I never even thought I could do it. I have great mentors at school and at work place. I enjoy working in the kitchen more than anything else. I hope I can build my own kitchen like valrhona (it’s a dream that hopefully I can realize it), much better if I don’t have to cut my shopping budget hehe.  

Trip to Japan has been a bonus in my busy life. It’s really gave a new experience and I couldn’t wait to go there again next year or the year after. Still deciding which country I want to go next year. One thing for sure I’m going home next year, after Pemilu. All my blessings in life are in Indo (families and friends). There no place like home. Just saw a picture of my nephews, miss them a lot. More than I miss my parents
So now I’m waiting for 2009 and I believe that there will be plenty of blessing waiting for me. There are only two ways to see life, a mistake or a blessing. I choosed my life as a blessing. I’ve been through a lot that make me understand that God has His own way to do things but whatever He plans for me, it the best for me.

Merry X’mas n Happy New Year. Hope u count your blessing and never see your life as a mistake anymore.

Hiks hiks I don’t why I’m feeling so gloomy lately. There is nothing happened but I feel sad all the time. Is it a depression? I also wondering. I have to keep my self sane if not I’m going completely crazy. That’s why I decided to go home for new year instead going to Bali (please Kando don’t kill me…I’ll give you all the new simpsons hehe). Thanks God I have friends who still make me laugh, who I don’t have to take care their feeling instead they cheer me up without even asking. Just talk about normal stuffs really make me “human” again. Talking about real estate agents, LSR user for dummies, hanses wedding, mulberry sale n etc make me feel close to them. Maybe it’s really time to go home for good? Sometime I feel that I don’t belong here, I feel like an alien. They don’t understand my lifestyle, my habit n my thinking. In melbourne I never felt this way,maybe because I have more friends n they practically grew up with me. Know my habits from good to worse n no judgement.

Well when the rest of my friends will enjoy the festive season with holiday…here I am stuck at work place. Honest…I’m jealous but my work also my life so try to enjoy it as much as I can.

Time is passing by so fast without I realised it. It’s November already then almost christmas n new year. A lot things has been happening lately, sometime I just want to shut my self from everything n just continue with my daily life but I can’t coz I’m human. I need to think, I need to realised my anger, my sadness, my action n whatever I’m feeeling. I grew up so much this year, I think all my close friends too. We all have different paths after left Melbourne and it’s so interesting to know what they up to at the moment. Now when I grew older I really understand the meaning of having great friends, who I can share laugh, joy, sadness n opinion. I really love chatting with all my old friends, just talks about anything n laughs my heart off. It’s always make me happy when I reconnect with them again. My time in Spore maybe won’t be long coz I don’t really enjoy this country as much as I enjoy Melbourne but I found few great new friends who make my day colourful. Special thanks to Ah Fat who just being you make me so happy, nyah sui who so lelet but that who she is, Omi who can drive me crazy with her complains but love her so much, all the patissier people who make me feel like being at home.

Next year is time to go home, hang out with the old folks again. Can’t wait for that even though I have to make a big changes by moving to Jakarta(can’t stand the trafic). Spend more time with my nephews n family after so many years live in overseas, it’s about time to be close to them.

To people who think they know me just by reading my blogs n notes and from fb n fs you don’t know me at all then. I hate it when people think they know me but actually not, so whoever want to be friend with someone please do real action rather than play hide and seek and expect people to read their mind. Life is too short for stupid game, you care then proof it if not just walk away. Don’t ever play with people feeling, I hate that so much. 

My wish for next year…being happy n close to my family. My whole family healthy n go travelling with my friends (cross finger).